I am hesitant to post publicly about my trauma. I’m afraid of being accused of trying to be the victim. I’m thinking that others will think that I have waited too long to talk about this and, now, in my 40’s, I should have moved on with my life today and no longer be thinking at all about what happened during my childhood. Today I was on the bus and I feel pretty anxious trying to socialize with other people but I thought I was doing pretty well. One issue was that I kept wanting to relate with my experiences. Someone asked me if I grew up here and I said “no”. I know that this bus driver is a really inquisitive person and might ask me more at some point, if he had the chance. Actually, I asked him about some of his experience growing up in this area and he talked about it. I like to hear other people’s stories….but mine always gets so complicated. How did I end up living in this city where all of my four biological grandparents were from but I did not grow up here and, still, after living here for about 12 years at this point, plus other smaller periods before that, I know barely anyone! I have no regular contact with anyone that lives in this small city other than my children and my husband? It involves mistreatment, abuse, family dysfunction and my disability, even to start talking about it! It’s not really something that I can talk about on a bus trip. Just a simple question from someone can have me wondering “how can I talk about my background at all?! I need to write a book!” This has often led to me thinking very deep thoughts about the meaning of life but it can be exhausting. Who am I? Where am I from? I can’t just answer it. I did share a little bit about having epilepsy with him and, as I was getting off the bus, he said “you’re doing great”. He is obviously a very sincere person and I started to tear up as I was walking away. I could never express to him how much it meant to hear that today, from an outsider. For all I know, he could be one of my family members I’ve been kept away from.
How am I doing?
I am hesitant to post publicly about my trauma. I’m afraid of being accused of trying to be the victim. I’m thinking that others will think that I have waited too long to talk about this and, now, in my 40’s, I should have moved on with my life today and no longer be thinking at all about what happened during my childhood. Today I was on the bus and I feel pretty anxious trying to socialize with other people but I thought I was doing pretty well. One issue was that I kept wanting to relate with my experiences. Someone asked me if I grew up here and I said “no”. I know that this bus driver is a really inquisitive person and might ask me more at some point, if he had the chance. Actually, I asked him about some of his experience growing up in this area and he talked about it. I like to hear other people’s stories….but mine always gets so complicated. How did I end up living in this city where all of my four biological grandparents were from but I did not grow up here and, still, after living here for about 12 years at this point, plus other smaller periods before that, I know barely anyone! I have no regular contact with anyone that lives in this small city other than my children and my husband? It involves mistreatment, abuse, family dysfunction and my disability, even to start talking about it! It’s not really something that I can talk about on a bus trip. Just a simple question from someone can have me wondering “how can I talk about my background at all?! I need to write a book!” This has often led to me thinking very deep thoughts about the meaning of life but it can be exhausting. Who am I? Where am I from? I can’t just answer it. I did share a little bit about having epilepsy with him and, as I was getting off the bus, he said “you’re doing great”. He is obviously a very sincere person and I started to tear up as I was walking away. I could never express to him how much it meant to hear that today, from an outsider. For all I know, he could be one of my family members I’ve been kept away from.
2 months ago Uncategorized